If this blog helps one mom with young kids it will be worth the pain it has brought up to write it.

Fourteen years ago, I was thirty year old mother with two children – an infant and a toddler.  My husband and I decided that it would be best if I left my career as an public school administrator in Wake County after my first child was born in 2000.  Our second child came, less than two years later.  We felt incredibly blessed to have these two children. Although I quietly lamented putting my career on hold at the time, I knew I was lucky to stay at home with my very young children.

My son, the older child, had a difficult and traumatic birth and by the time he was 2 years old, signs of neurological issues were starting to emerge.  Adding to the stress about my son’s development, my newborn never slept for more than a couple of hours at a time, spit up every bit of breast milk, and was generally inconsolable for portions of the day.  

The lack of sleep made it increasingly hard for me to function, let alone find moments of joy in my life.

I felt overwhelmed by even the little things.  The house was a wreck, it was a challenge to get to the store, my marriage was under strain (as it had been for a few years), coming up with dinner while being in charge of two tiny children would undo me everyday.  I was not enjoying much about being a mom.

I carried on. I tried to run errands with toddler and infant in tow.  In fact, I made a Target run each week to get necessary supplies and, in my haste to get in and out before one of the three of us had a meltdown, I often grabbed clothes, baby gear and clothing, and household items quickly, not caring if they were the right choices.  Just get in and out.  And as long as I didn’t come back to the store at a busy time, Target made it easy to return things.  It was easier to bring back stuff that didn’t fit/work/belong than it was to ponder which items to choose in the store with my two little ones with me .  Trying on clothes before buying them was a thing of the past.

One night, after changing my infant daughter, my clothes, her bassinette sheets, for the THIRD time since I went to bed. I had a revelation:

I should just take this baby back to Target and trade her in for a baby daughter that worked; I should just get one that wasn’t broken.

In my mind, in that sleep deprived moment, this was a perfect solution to all my problems.

My next thought, a good while later, was horrifying disgust at myself for thinking such a thing and for letting myself consider it for even a few moments..

To this day, the memory of where I was in that moment, was so painful, it’s been difficult to write about. But I know that if my story helps one mom, my discomfort now  is worth it.

I had a post-partum check up the next week and began to cry as I told my doctor that I thought I had post-partum depression. With barely a blink of the eye, she wrote me a prescription for Zoloft.

They say that it doesn’t really work this fast, but I swear, the next day, it was as though someone had removed gobs of cotton from inside my skull.  I could think clearly, felt in control, and even began to enjoy being a mom a little bit.

I stayed on Zoloft for about a year.  Even though it was a low dose, I had a very hard time weaning off of it. I eventually did, very SLOWLY and used some supplements that helped temper my nervous system..  

I wish I could say that everything was great after that.  

Over the next few years however, I continued to struggle with overwhelm, frustration, lack of patience, and generally not finding much peace in day-to-day life. I was increasingly jaded by issues in my marriage and the stress of being in a family owned business.

I found an outlet in training and competing in triathlons. However, I started to develop minor health issues which flared occasionally into big health issues (i.e. emergency room trips and wild goose chases to find the elusive cause of some disturbing symptom).  The health crisis would simmer down for whatever reason and I would come right back to my life of overwhelm. 

I would regularly think, if only [Insert something out of my control] were different/better/gone, then I could be happy.  THEN I could start enjoying my life.

You can probably relate to this pattern too. And you probably know that looking outside of ourselves for the answers or change in circumstance is usually futile.

Jumping ahead a few years, my children were in second and third grade when my mom was diagnosed with a glioblastoma brain tumor.  This was her fourth diagnosed cancer – colon, breast, and  skin cancer came before.  

Wake up call.  

My mother’s first cancer diagnosis had been over twenty years before, when she was just a bit older than I was at the time.  I took for granted that she had been “cured” with no chemo or radiation (just surgery or surgical procedures for the previous diagnoses).  This diagnosis of glioblastoma was terminal – there were not many people who had lived longer than a year with this type of cancer.  

Over the next 3.25 years my mom defied the odds.  You can read a little about what went  down here.

Here’s the what I learned from that journey:

• It was time to start living.
• Western medicine does not come close to knowing all the answers.
• I wanted to find the joy in every day, even the smallest moments
• Stress causes most of the disease in this country – not carcinogens, although they contribute A LOT.
• I love my kids and I wanted choose to have more enjoyable time with them
• Taking other people’s behavior personally cost me more than I realized.

So began a journey to create a new legacy.

That was 2009.  Over the last few years, I have explored deep, soulful work that really wasn’t that hard to access (or even that uncomfortable) once I realized the power of surrender, complete acceptance of the now, and how strong unconditional love is.  Eckhart Tolle was my first teacher on this journey – I am so thankful my sister suggested I read his book, which she’d given to my father and sat unread on his shelf.

There have been many teachers along this path, but the simple yet deeply profound message I have learned from practicing Qi Gong and from studying Pangu Shengong with Master Ou Wen Wei has been the most healing. Since then, I have become a certified holistic health coach and I combine these backgrounds to work with clients today.

A couple of months ago, I was talking to a client who revealed that she didn’t think that joy was meant for her and that when she had moments of joy, she didn’t enjoy it  fully because she knew the moment would end.  It was then that I realized: I’ve been there.  I used to feel that same way.  I knew that I could help her access joy and empower her to structure a  life that allowed her to experience joy every day.

I don’t spend much energy on regret;  I have found that it isn’t so useful.

So, although there are wistful moments about not fully being present for those years that my kids were so young, what I have learned can guide other moms to manage their stress, heal physically, become the women they choose their children to know. Having more energy,  a stronger immune system, and finding that chronic conditions can melt away, has made me a better, happier, more balanced mom.  This is the role model I want to be for my kids.

I invite you to schedule a visit or a call with me for no charge to discover how we can work together.  Take a look too at the guide I wrote (available below at the bottom of this page): The Instant Healing Solution. Using ancient, powerful, and pertinent techniques and real world coaching, I can teach, support, and empower you to live the life that you were meant to experience.  It’s important for you to be there fully for your kids – this begins with taking care of yourself.